Australia : The Movie

Do yourself a favour.  Read this post.

Because if you don’t, it’s highly likely that the well oiled marketing machine that is Baz Luhrmann and the team from the movie Australia will have sucked you in to spending $16 (or more, if you’re considering Gold Class) to see one of the biggest piles of shite I have ever given away 3 hours of my life to.

Seriously, the storytelling is so thin on the ground it gets swept up and blown away with the slightest gust of wind.  The character development is just plainly non-existent and it’s one of the most poorly developed character arcs I have ever had the discomfort of sitting through.  Usually Baz manages to draw me in with costuming and cinematography and direction, but there was only one costume in the whole thing that really caught my eye (and one lack of costume, but we’ll get to that…), the whole movie seemed overexposed (cinemagraphically) and the heavy use of extreme closeup means I am now painfully aware of every pore on Nicole Kidman’s face.  If they had jammed in a couple more poorly written and delivered Wizard of Oz references or another “crikey” I may have actually tried to slit my wrists with my popcorn box.

And, in keeping with my belief that all our emotions are all manifest physically, my body actually protested half way through the film.  I got the most insane calf and foot cramp I have ever had, that lasted for about 10 minutes.  It was so excruciating that I actually started to cry.   I seriously should have left at this point and saved myself further torture.

But… my $16 (plus $13 at the candy bar) was not entirely wasted.  You see, there is one scene that is worth watching.  Yep, just one.  And I am going to do you all a favour and show you it here.

It’s gratuitous, overly-styled, and bloody wonderful.  Actually, it feels like it was slightly longer in the film (the shower bit).  Watch it over and over.  Let yourself blush.  This scene is worth $16 just to see it on a big screen.  Come to think of it, you know what, I think Baz would’ve been better off spending $120 million on making an Outback porno with Hugh Jackman.

Celebrity Bogans

Every wondered what Nicole Kidman would look like if she’d fallen from her BMX during filming, destroyed her blooming career and moved to Frankston?  (Those not from Victoria, replace “Frankston” with any suburb with a low socio-economic profile)  Or what Tom Cruise looks like when he’s at home, without a stylist?

Wonder no more.  Thanks to the brilliance of PlanetHiltron.com (and a fabulous person who sent me this via email), I can reveal your favourite celebrity Frankston residents: Continue reading

Tom Cruise & Jerry O’Connell

If you haven’t already seen the leaked Scientology video of Tom Cruise acting like a complete lunatic, then you’ve been living under a very large rock. There are oodles of spoofs and cutdowns of this now all over youtube, but my favourite so far has to be Jerry O’Connell himself spoofing Tom Cruise… but for a good cause, to help the WGA in their strike.

Go on, tell me your favourite quote from this little masterpiece!

Kurt Cobain’s Cigarette Butt

Grey Melbourne wants you to know that cigarette butts are made from harmful plastic acetates and are full of toxic chemicals that last forever… so they’ve set up a fake ebay auction for Kurt Cobain’s cigarette butt.  This is the oldest viral marketing trick in the book these days, but it doesn’t appear to have paid off… only 505 visits.

RIP Heath Ledger

I am completely in shock.

Heath Ledger is dead.

In 1999, I fell in love with him on my couch in London as I watched one of the trashiest Australian TV Series to have ever been made : Sweat. Between Martin Henderson and Heath Ledger, who played a gay cyclist, it was worth wasting a few hours of my life just to drool.

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And then came 10 Things I Hate About You, when he sealed my love for him in his contemporary Shakespeare parody. I excused the fact that he dated women much older than him, I defended his decision to be a part of Two Hands (one of the worst Aussie films ever made), that he called his poor daughter Matilda and that he came across in the media as a massive knob, because I knew that deep down he was just a simple boy from Perth.

The media’s not giving us many clues as to how he died, a couple of reports suggest he was “surrounded by pills”. Whether it’s an overdose or suicide, today is a sad day for many fans, but especially his family, friends and his beautiful little daughter.

I’m not good at future planning. I don’t plan at all. I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t have a day planner and I don’t have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.

That sums Heath up, in life and most likely, in death. RIP Heath.

Spot The Difference

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Abolish Australia Day?

Sam Kekovich has gone way too far this time…. or has he?

He’s proposing we abolish Australia Day in favour of Australia Week : “Instead of one public holiday, we need seven. Instead of one lamb barbie, we need 21 lamb meal opportunities – not including snacks.”

“Stack the fridge full of lamb, take the week off, and celebrate with me. Any boss that won’t let you is a bum. Just chuck a week of sickies instead — what could be more Australian than that?”

We love you Sam.