Australia : The Movie

Do yourself a favour.  Read this post.

Because if you don’t, it’s highly likely that the well oiled marketing machine that is Baz Luhrmann and the team from the movie Australia will have sucked you in to spending $16 (or more, if you’re considering Gold Class) to see one of the biggest piles of shite I have ever given away 3 hours of my life to.

Seriously, the storytelling is so thin on the ground it gets swept up and blown away with the slightest gust of wind.  The character development is just plainly non-existent and it’s one of the most poorly developed character arcs I have ever had the discomfort of sitting through.  Usually Baz manages to draw me in with costuming and cinematography and direction, but there was only one costume in the whole thing that really caught my eye (and one lack of costume, but we’ll get to that…), the whole movie seemed overexposed (cinemagraphically) and the heavy use of extreme closeup means I am now painfully aware of every pore on Nicole Kidman’s face.  If they had jammed in a couple more poorly written and delivered Wizard of Oz references or another “crikey” I may have actually tried to slit my wrists with my popcorn box.

And, in keeping with my belief that all our emotions are all manifest physically, my body actually protested half way through the film.  I got the most insane calf and foot cramp I have ever had, that lasted for about 10 minutes.  It was so excruciating that I actually started to cry.   I seriously should have left at this point and saved myself further torture.

But… my $16 (plus $13 at the candy bar) was not entirely wasted.  You see, there is one scene that is worth watching.  Yep, just one.  And I am going to do you all a favour and show you it here.

It’s gratuitous, overly-styled, and bloody wonderful.  Actually, it feels like it was slightly longer in the film (the shower bit).  Watch it over and over.  Let yourself blush.  This scene is worth $16 just to see it on a big screen.  Come to think of it, you know what, I think Baz would’ve been better off spending $120 million on making an Outback porno with Hugh Jackman.

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