The Best of the Comedy Festival

It’s Comedy Festival time in Melbourne, and I’d really like to clone myself so that I can see everything.  Thankfully, The Age has saved me the trouble and delivered the 50 best one liners from the stand up comedians participating in the festival.  Here are some highlights!

I got in a lot of trouble the other day for calling someone a “retard”. You can’t use the word “retard” now. You have to use the proper word and say “my ex-husband”.
Dolores, Earth Mother to MILF

Men can be romantic, up to a point. The point of ejaculation.
Akmal Saleh

They say blondes have more fun. Which is why you never see any blonde goths.
Dave Jory, Dave Jory is the Zodiac

I spewed up alphabet soup once and it spelt “carrots”.
Anh Do, Live

One thing I didn’t know about having babies is that some people don’t like them. You walk into some cafes with a pram and they look at you like it’s the Gaza strip and you’re carrying a heavy backpack.
Nelly Thomas, Nelly Thomas is not a Yummy Mummy

Comedy is the best way to make a really strong point without blowing up an embassy.
Nazeem Hussain, Fear Of A Brown Planet

When I first saw the Cronulla riots on TV, I didn’t know what was happening. I thought it was the season finale of Home and Away.
Aamer Rahman, Fear Of A Brown Planet

How ironic is an iron?
Julia Sutherland, Word

I’ve spent the day watching pirated DVDs of Underbelly. I don’t support piracy, but I really needed to get out of jury duty.
Danny McGinlay, Coming Soon

“The Herald-Sun’s Andrew Bolt” is a complete anagram of the words “bland lout answers the herd”.
Luke Whitby, Was it a Cat I Saw?

Talking during a comedy show is like farting during an orgy; it sorta ruins the magic.
Xavier Michelides, Alien Sex Party

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